🤍 10 Tips to Resolving Marriage Conflict Without Fighting

💍 10 Tips to Resolving Marriage Conflict Without Fighting

👫 Is Fighting Fair?

(Excerpt From The Best Year of Your Marriage by Jim & Jean Daily)

"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

Ephesians 4:26-27

“Conflict occurs when two people have a difference of opinion that hasn't been resolved. These are normal marital conflicts that can be worked out. When arguments turn into verbal or physical abuse, though, it isn't healthy for any marriage. If you consistently attack your spouse with statements like, "I'm sorry I married you" or "You're so stupid," you've moved from arguing to abusing.

Throwing things at your spouse only leads to more conflict and hurt. And you never hit, push, shove, kick, or spit at your spouse. This is physical abuse, and it causes tremendous damage to your relationship. If this is the way you deal with conflict, you need to seek counseling to learn appropriate ways to reconcile. Those appropriate ways don't include simply submerging your differences instead of dealing with them honestly.

(NCM Note: If you’re in a physically abusive marriage, please seek help for you and your children today. This will often involve physically removing yourself from the situation. The Book Enough is Enough is a great resource on the topic).

Many couples try to sidestep or hide their conflict because disagreements can be painful. Paul tries to suppress conflict because he fears fighting. "I'm afraid of divorce because of my parents," he explains. "They fought all the time and look where it led them. If Lucy and I continue to fight, I'm afraid we'll end up like them." Contrary to what Paul believes, divorce is most common when conflict is hidden or unresolved-not when it's dealt with openly. Conflict in itself doesn't lead to divorce. 

Here are 10 things to remember about resolving conflict without fighting. 

1. Deal with disagreements as soon as possible. The longer a conflict stews, the larger the issue becomes. 

2. Be specific. Communicate clearly what the issue is. Say something like, "It frustrates me when you don't take the trash out," rather than, "You never do what you say you will." 

3. Attack the problem, not the person. Lashing out at your spouse leaves him or her hurt and defensive. This works against resolving conflict. Let your mate hear what the problem is from your point of view. 

4. Express feelings. Use "I" statements to share your understanding of the conflict: "I feel hurt when you don't follow through." Avoid "you" statements like, "You're so insensitive and bossy."

5. Stick with the subject at hand. Don't bring two or three issues to an argument to reinforce your point. This confuses the confrontation and doesn't allow for understanding and resolution. 

6. Confront privately. Doing so in public could embarrass your spouse. This will immediately put him or her on the defensive and shut down any desire to reconcile.

7. Seek to understand the other person's point of view. Try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes. That's what Mia was doing when she told her sister, "Jeff had a hard day today. His boss chewed him out. That's why he's quieter than normal, so I didn't take it personally." 

8. Set up a resolution plan. After you've expressed your points of view and come to an understanding, share your needs and decide where to go from here. 

9. Be willing to admit when you're wrong. Sometimes a conflict occurs because one person's behavior was inappropriate. Be willing to confess and ask forgiveness.

10. Remember that maintaining the relationship is more important than winning the argument. Finding a solution that benefits both spouses lets everybody win. When you deal with conflict in a caring and positive way, the result can be a deeper relationship and greater intimacy.”

🤍 On Birth Trauma…From a Natural Christian Mom Reader/Community Mom!

“WOW! What a story. Thank you for sharing this. After reading it, I realized I needed to let go of the anger I was still carrying for what happened during the birth of my youngest daughter. I have stated that of all my pregnancies, it was truly the most traumatic.

I was angry about a lot of things and as I'm typing, I still feel hurt and anger coming up (which means there's still work to do).

Thanks for your transparency and for giving us permission to FEEL!

-Jamie from @blendedblackfamily

Thank you so so much for sharing your experience, Jamie! More testimonies are always welcomed! -Andrea

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